Now accepting roommate applications (satire)

Accepted to college? Check. Cried over your scholarships, or lack thereof? Check. Joined the Facebook group? Check. Now all you need to score a roommate is an uber-detailed summary about yourself. But who has time for that?! Save some of your last precious moments of high school by screenshotting one of these Facebook autobiographies instead.


FOR THE JOCK: Hi, my name is probably Brad. I played all the sports in high school, and I’ve provided some sweet action shots taken by my mom to show that off. Grades are important to me so I can stay on my gains. I’m most likely studying something in business, but on the weekends I’ll be getting a Ph.D. in partying—I mean, networking with my fellow peers. I’m looking for a chill roommate.


FOR THE MUSICAL THEATRE GEEK: Hey everyone! My name is something upbeat like Carly. I’m 100 percent committed to this school’s music and arts programs, and I’m so excited about it I could sing—both literally and figuratively! I was in show choir, but you could tell that a mile away from this sparkly outfit I’m wearing in at least one picture. I am very specific about the music I listen to and also mentioned the musical “Hamilton” somewhere in my post. If you don’t mind me practicing facial expressions in the mirror or losing against me in a karaoke competition then we should be roommates!


FOR THE FUTURE FRAT BRO: Hey guys, I’m Chad. Brad and I are already bros, and I convinced him to rush Sigma Apple Pie this year with me. You can see based on my photos that I’m always down for a good time. Follow me on all my other social media, because my life is wayyy too lit to post on Facebook where my grandparents are. Feel free to message me too, but if you’re a girl and I think you’re hot I may or may not aggressively DM you first. Gotta practice for Sigma traditions, am I right?


FOR THE FUTURE SORORITY SIS: Hey all! I have a popular name like Samantha, and I’m super pumped for college life! I am a walking @dory twitter account which makes me super relatable, and I will get hella likes on this post. I love working out and I can study, but I’m also going to vaguely hint that I know how to party like there is no tomorrow. I am rushing for the Chi Omega-Three Vitamins sisterhood, so if you have a problem with my love for Greek life I will throw a toga at you on my way to the latest frat party.


FOR THE CONTROL FREAK: Hi everyone. You will only remember me as the crazy person with a billion planned activities, so my name is pretty irrelevant. I’ve provided bullet points of all my current achievements as well as my five-year plan, because I don’t have time to spend 15 minutes on a Facebook post. That said, this will still be an autobiography’s worth of facts about me because I can’t stand not doing the absolute most. This list might include student government, three seasons of sports where I was captain, along with a shortlist of nondescript clubs. My idea of fun involves having my crap together. I’m in the honors dorm this year so if you don’t have a 5.0 GPA, you probably can’t hang.

Originally published in the 2017 May issue of The Beacon magazine, a publication from Olentangy High School

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