New year, new pool, very cool (satire)

sat·ire     ˈsaˌtī(ə)r/     noun
the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.
Originally published in 2016 January issue of The Beacon magazine for Olentangy High School

Lewis Center, OH—Swimmers spent their first practice of the year on Monday, Dec. 4 in the third-floor pool, the latest sports renovation since the 2014 stadium turf installation.

“The tiles are still very slippery. The pool hasn’t been broken in yet. You can still feel sawdust on the floor of the pool,” junior Alex Garner said.

In the past, swimmers made a 23-minute drive to practice at the Delaware YMCA—a 7 ½ mile trip.

“Now we don’t have to waste as much gas to get to practice,” Garner said.

While saving on gas is an undeniable perk, the new third-floor facilities also allow more privacy for the team.

“Before, we shared locker rooms with the public. Now we have locker rooms of our own,” Garner said.

The much-anticipated third-floor pool and additional exercise opportunities opened December 2015 to the general public for those willing to pay membership fees. But due to years of misinformation, many freshmen are missing out on the opportunity.

“In the past, the pool has been a joke,” Oshra Gadkar ‘16 said.

This past semester, the class of 2019 drowned in punch lines from their older peers, the most popular being the third-floor swimming pool. Fact or fiction aside, the urban legend coming to life is somewhat of a relief from the constant grilling of poor freshmeat.

“I heard rumors about the pool, but I was never fooled. Incoming freshmen won’t get scammed anymore, but I don’t think they’d fall for it anyway,” Varun G. ‘19 said.

Upperclassmen seem to view the phenomenon as a benefit rather than a concern.

“If you tried to tell the freshmen there really is a pool now, they wouldn’t believe it and would never even try to go up there. It would become an all upperclassmen pool, which would be sweet,” Madalen Medovich ‘16 said.

While the existence of the mysterious pool continues to be debated, the swim team faced off against Dublin Scioto Friday, Jan. 7—their first meet at the new location.

Note: There is no third floor pool. Any mentions of the third-floor pool can be replaced with Mount Carmel Fitness Center and still make sense.


Q&A with Olentangy High School Dean of Students Brad Henry

Q: How much money did it cost to install?

A: I think it was a tax-free deal. We got a donation from one of our generous parents who helped us put it in.

Q: How can students get to the pool?

A: The elevator, by the Wigwam.

Q: Does school dress code apply at the pool?

A: Speedos are okay, as long as the boys aren’t wearing them.

Q: Any rules or conditions regarding the third-floor pool?

A: Just that students go to the fourth floor and try to use it as a high dive.

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